Berlin does the World Cup: sure, there’s football, but the amorous significance of the WM (Weltmeisterschaft) is that it is a time in Berlin that Women and Men go Weirdly Mainstream – a respite from the city’s neurotic pretences that only comes along once every four years. Sports, flags, mass-outpourings of cheer and happiness. And you suddenly find yourself no longer getting the Berlin experience you signed up for.
Instead of feeling confused and short-changed about it, Schätzchen, embrace the mainstreamers! Feel the release from shame as you engage in some casual racism waiting for a Turkey d’Lite Sub at Alexanderplatz whilst wearing your lime Lacoste polo en route to Admiralspalast. It’s okay, honey. It’s okay.
So how is embracing your inner ‘streamer going to help a single lady find a man in Berlin? It’s a time to consciously uncouple from your Berlin self-projections of being emancipated, politically engaged and culturally sensitive: the World Cup is the time to explore what oppressive societal norms can actually do for you! Let them be your path to Love™ or at least some sports-themed sex. The World cup in the Hauptstadt is the only time that German men in Berlin are allowed to relinquish emasculating lifestyles in a cathartic pent-up ejaculation of fraternising, sport, and competitiveness and, somewhat pertinently, Nationalismus.
So what does this mean for Berlin women? WELL, like always, something fucked-up and annoying. Immediately halt your Godard bedroom role-plays and leave that precious je ne sais quoi at home. It’s all a bit confusing, but to engage in the WM melée you’re going to have to channel your best sporty, boulette-munching, beer-swilling, football cheering, wholesome German-girl-next-door persona. So you can give up fashioning your ZARA blouse as an Acne ‘piece’, because uncomplicated football girls don’t fret too much, and they certainly don’t let exploitation get in the way of the game.
Having to suddenly transform into the Fußballfräulein also means dropping the long-cultivated, deep-seated socio-cultural premise of being anti-patriarchal anti- anti- anti – I know that’s half the reason we moved to Berlin and frankly, it’s a lot to ask. But bear in mind as Brazil comes to the forefront of our consciousness that we’re now competing with Brazilian women — some of the most sexually titillating women in the entire world – so really, the work of luring and seducing German men in footy season is getting much more tricky. Plus, you have to come to terms with the fact that German men are cray-cray for Latino women and that’s just fan-fucking-tastic.
But never fear: insert lame sex metaphor of playing the game and kicking a goal here.
XOX MOSSY BRACKETS XOX
Remember: if you’ve slept with more people than your European shoe size… it’s time to stop counting.
