Konrad Werner: One oily wanker

This week, Konrad makes a sober and fair assessment of the case of Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg.

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Photo by joelk75 (Flickr CC)

I learned two facts this week. Number one: According to a scientist I talked to, if a child under the age of five loses the end of its finger – up to the first knuckle – it will grow back.

But this alarming fact, which confirms that children are, as I knew all along, magical creatures that have access to dark arts (it is well known to scientists that babies can telepathically order animals to perform simple tasks, for example) was not as disturbing as the other fact I learned this week, in my foray into the crazy world of “knowledge”: in Germany, there is a law that says you can make a donation to charity if you don’t fancy going to court over claiming you are a doctor of law, as opposed to, say, a devious slimer.

As a Catholic, I’m sure that Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg doesn’t have a problem with the idea that cash can wash away sins. But apparently no-one else around here thinks it’s a bit weird that you can get off 23 prosecutable charges by handing over €20,000 to a cancer charity. 

According to this article, “The practice is actually quite common in Germany’s criminal justice system. Typically only those suspected of very minor crimes are invited to make donations in lieu of prosecution – and the poor are expected to make smaller ones than the rich.”

So Mr. zu Guttenberg, you certainly are one slippery wanker. Your skin must somehow excrete oil like an extra slippery underwater mammal. In case you try to sue me for casting doubt on your species, I shall be depositing a tenner in the next box for dying seals I see. That counts too.