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Amok Mama: Things Germans are wrong about

Germans. They're cleverer than us. In almost every way. But there are some things that they're just actually wrong about, says Jacinta Nandi.

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Photo courtesy of the World Economic Forum (Flickr CC)

German people are clever and they’re basically right about almost everything. BUT they do get it wrong sometimes. Here comes a scientific list:

1) Pavements in East and West Berlin

Have you ever noticed this? They’re always slagging off the pavements in East Berlin, and then sighing sadly and going: “Well, it’s the infrastructure, you see, for so long nobody invested anything in East Berlin pavements.” They are insane. The pavements in East and West Berlin are exactly the fucking same, except for in Neukölln, where they’re a nightmare. They’ve pavemented up half the trees. People have to skateboard on the cobblestones in the road. It’s safer. We need Esther Rantzen with her bikini girl in the wheelbarrow to shame Neukölln’s Bürgermeister into action, he won’t do anything off his own accord, he’s too busy slagging off all the foreigners.

2) Angela Merkel is not that bad-looking for a woman of her age

I mean, the way they talk, if you were blind, you’d be forgiven for thinking that she must be actually ugly, like a hideous, monstrous witch-type person or Franz Müntefering or someone. In fact, she’s a perfectly normal-looking 56-year-old woman. She’s fine. I mean, she’s not fit or anything, but she looks better than most women her age. She was fairly disgusting when she was younger, though, I’ll admit that, but she’s fine now. I’d rather shag her than Ursula, anyways.

3) They think rabbits are hares

The German slang word for “bunny” as in bunny rabbit is “Hasie” but a “Hase” is a hare, not a rabbit. They should say “Kaninchen.” They even think the Easter Bunny is a hare! Idiots.

4) They don’t think tomatoes are a fruit

Like in England, everyone over the age of, like, say, nine, knows that tomatoes are actually a fruit and not a vegetable. But over here? I’ve met millions of Germans who didn’t know this basic fruit fact. Okay, I’m exaggerating somewhat. Thousands, though. People with degrees and everything. Okay, Abitur. But still, they’re wrong!

5) Homeopathy

It’s just patently bullshit, isn’t it? I can’t believe the amount of clever Germans who buy into this bullshit. A friend of a friend actually phoned the homeopath when her son broke his arm to check the painkillers the proper doctor had prescribed weren’t harmful!

So, there you have it. That’s the end of my scientific list of Things Germans Are Wrong About. I tell you what, though. My stepsister back in England is actually looking forward to the Royal Wedding! And a Facebook friend has bought herself a commemoration tea-towel. At least the Germans are wrong with style.