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  • Amok Mama: Let’s privatise the cunts


Amok Mama: Let’s privatise the cunts

Jacinta Nandi loves the royal family so much, she's almost a royalist.

People often accuse Germans of not being funny. I think this is really untrue. They’re really funny, they just have a really dry sense of humour and they have such an inferiority complex Anglo-Saxon humour gegenüber that they sometimes really love rubbish stuff just coz it’s in English (“Dinner for One”, Two and a Half Men, etc).

Their humour’s so dry, sometimes you just have to blink and you literally miss it.

“Well, when I retrain as an air stewardess, I’ll bear that in mind,” they say drolly. You blink with pure confusion. “You’re going to retrain as an air stewardess?” You ask, wondering whether you’ve missed an important memo again. “I’m joking, Jacinta,” they say, disappointed, that despite your scharfer britischer Sinn für Humor you didn’t actually get a joke.

I like it when they do jokes about how their grandpas were in the Waffen SS, though. As soon as a German does a Waffen SS joke and I think he’s genuinely not a Nazi, I really like him.

“What do you think about the British royal family, Jacinta?” my friend Jens asks.

“They’re alright,” I say. “A bit lazy and a bit mollycoddled and a bit useless, but they’re not evil or anything.”

“I think we should cut all their heads off,” he says.

“Oh, no!” I say.

“Or we could machine gun them all down. We need to get my Grandpa along. He was really good with a machine gun. Line them all up against the wall and…”

“We don’t need to do that,” I say. “Let’s just privatise the cunts.”

Jens’s joke got me thinking about the royals. A lot. Because, the thing is, while I will admit I do refer to the royal family as cunts fairly often and benefits scroungers only slightly less often, the fact is, I don’t bear them any ill-will. Some of them I even quite like. Princess Anne I’ve always liked. I loved Lady Di, of course. Who didn’t? Prince Harry. I love Prince Harry. I adore him. He’s sexy and funny and cute and kind of naïve. Not very intelligent, of course, but why should he be? I like him. I like him a lot.

Remember when Harry dressed up as a Nazi? He was just a kid, back then. He was just 20 years old. Such a baby. How can you expect a 20-year-old to know better than that? I was five years older than he was, and I didn’t see what the fucking fuss was about. It was a bad taste party. Dressing up like a Nazi is bad taste. You can get much worse taste than that.

Guess what, though? I don’t represent my country. And neither should Harry. He might not be just a kid anymore, but he’s still just a human being. Him, Charles, that baby George. None of those poor cunts asked to be born, none of them asked to have this bullshit thrust upon them. And, except for the Queen and Kate Middleton, none of them are up to the job. Why should they be? We don’t need an army of wasted lives to represent our country. We don’t need to waste lives like this. I really like Harry. Why should he represent our country? I like him far more than all you royalists, who demand of him to be something he patently isn’t.

If, however, the people of Britain and The Royal Family themselves decide they actually quite like this absurd modern-day slavery – that’s all the royals are, is very well-kept, slightly lazy, mollycoddled slaves. If they decide we are going to keep the royal family, fair enough, my suggestion is merely that we should privatise them. We’ve privatised everything-else, and people are always, always, always telling us how much money they make the country, how much more they rake in than we give out, well, then, let’s find out. Let’s privatise them. We don’t need to cut their heads off, just the money off, and they can turn Windsor Castle into a giant theme park and charge entry fees. Let’s do it. I love the royals. I’m actually a royalist myself. And I totally believe the royalists when they go on about how little they cost us as a nation, just how commercially viable they are. Let’s do it. Let’s put our money where our mouth is. Well, let’s stop putting our money where their mouths are. They cost us so much less than we spend on them? Let’s prove it. Let’s privatise the cunts. I can’t fucking wait.