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  • Amok Mama: Gillian versus Nigella – my humble opinion


Amok Mama: Gillian versus Nigella – my humble opinion

Does being a vegan make you old before your time? No, says Jacinta Nandi, you've just swallowed down the misogyny of modern-day society as if it was cum and you were Taylor Bow on the Internet. Grow up, girls.

So, somebody finally sent me that picture thingie on Facebook comparing Gillian McKeith with Nigella Lawson. And here is my official statement:

1) Okay, Gillian McKeith does look quite old and craggy in that picture

But then again, she is fifty-fucking-one years old. That’s what most fifty-one-year-old women look like.

2) Nigella Lawson is beautiful

She’s a beautiful woman. She has great genes. She’s achingly gorgeous; she’s all Jewish and exotic, creamy and delicious. It’s nothing to do with her goodness as a woman, though. It’s GENES. Or possibly Botox. It’s certainly nothing do with all the cream and oil and avocadoes she munches every day for breakfast.

(And if she has had Botox – she definitely does Atkins, I’ve read Feast – don’t be all like, oh, shock, horror, outrage, you mean she’s not all naturally beautiful and gorgeous and womanly and divine and plus then she sometimes eats a load of cream cakes for breakfast? Oh my God! What a shallow bitch! I thought she was NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL! I’m soooooooo disappointed! Coz you’re the shallow cunts judging her on her looks)

3) Men want to fuck beautiful women more than ugly ones

That doesn’t mean that beautiful women are “better” than ugly ones, though. It just means they get more sex, if they want. They’re not better people. Even if they are good at cooking. For fuck’s sake. How old are you? Five?

Okay, let me explain this carefully. Women are beautiful for two reasons: 1) genes or 2) plastic surgery. Men want to fuck beautiful women for one reason: 1) evolution. It has nothing to do with being happy or natural or good or a good woman or nice or relaxed in your body or men recognizing your charisma or any of that crap.


Now, girls, I do know that in Cinderella, the really beautiful girl, Cinderella, is really nice, much nicer than the ugly sisters, who are really mean and ugly. I am aware of that. IT’S A FUCKING FAIRY-TALE, you idiots. The fairy godmother also turns the pumpkin into a coach. It’s a fairy-tale. it’s essentially bullshit.

4) You should all just go to the Baumarkt, buy yourselves a chainsaw, and slice off your fucking tits

Like seriously, women, honestly, girls? If this is all we’re capable of then there’s just no point. The only way we’ll ever achieve liberation – geschweige denn actual equality – is if we all just go and have, like, collectively, gender realignment surgery. If you really can’t accept that Nigella Lawson is beautiful while Gillian McKeith is, as my mother would put it, “plain” without projecting onto these women some kind of intrinsically feminine moral values, some kind of moral value system, well, to be honest, you’re just infantile dickheads and feminism’s too good for you.

5) The woman has red hair, for fuck’s sake, of course she looks old. Their skin is practically translucent

God, I hate being forced to defend Gillian McKeith. I actually pretty much despise her. Especially when she’s all, like, sniffing through unemployed people’s poo, hunting through unemployed people’s fridges. God, what an annoying cow. BUT GIVE HER A FUCKING BREAK. She has red hair.

Do you seriously believe that she would look younger if only she’d munched on more chocolate chip cookies? She wouldn’t be 1 percent more attractive, no matter how much of a “good woman” or “domestic goddess” she decided to be. She has red hair. Her skin is transparent. She probably looked older than Nigella Lawson does now when she was nine.

And the thing is, it doesn’t actually matter. I am NOT saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder or anything like that. Of course, men want to fuck beautiful women more than ugly ones. Of course, men want to fuck Nigella more than they want to fuck Gillian. OF COURSE. But so what? So fucking what? Get over it. Get over yourselves.

This is what I am saying: get some fucking self-esteem, Mädchen. Your 51st birthdays aren’t that far away. It’s time to grow up.