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Amok Mama: Deutschen reden über alles

On the one hand, you know you should be honest with your kids, right? But on the other hand, says Jacinta Nandi, there are some subjects you just automatically try to avoid. Unless you're German, that is...

So we’re back in Britain for a bit, and Rico has been making lots of friends at garden parties.

“Just been talking to Rico,” said a guy with trendy glasses to me in the kitchen. “He’s been telling me all about life in Berlin.”

“What did he say?”

“He told me about the kindergarten and the difference between a kindergarten and a Hort and how he gets to Hort – with an U-Bahn and a tram and then walking – and who all his friends were at the kindergarten and who his best friend is at the Hort.”

“Did he say anything bad about me?” I asked. “Because he does lie, sometimes.”

“Nah, he just mentioned that he was born by Caesarean section.”

“Rico knew the word Caesarean section?”

“Well, no, he said he got cut out of your belly but he said it was good he got cut out, if he hadn’t been, he might still be in there now, and he’d be too big. I thought it was quite a good point. He’s a clever little kid.”

“Aw,” I said, “he’s not bad, is he.”

“I was a bit shocked at him knowing what a Caesarean section was. I asked him how old he was, I thought he must be at least 12, if he knows that kind of detail.”

But of course Rico’s just all German and aufgeklärt and stuff. And really, by German standards, a Caesarean section is no biggie. Rico’s friend Leon knew about his mum’s Dammschnitt. Rico got in from Leon’s birthday party and he said to me, in a really nonchalant voice:

“Mum, guess what? When Leon’s mum was in the hospital having his little sister, the doctor had to put a knife in her Muschi.”

I’m such a hypocrite, despite having told him about the Caesarean, I looked at him, horrified, and told him it wasn’t true. It was almost like an automatic reflex.

“That didn’t happen,” I said. “That never happened. Leon’s just lying.”

Rico sniffed. “He’s not actually. They do that sometimes. But you know what? If a doctor puts a knife in your Muschi he won’t call it your Muschi. He calls it your Scheide. Well, that’s what Leon says.”

Bloody Germans. They actually talk about absolutely everything. They should change the national anthem to “Deutschen reden über alles”. It’d be more accurate.