OUT NOW! A big poop emoji might best describe THE EMOJI MOVIE. And not in a good way.

No one was expecting The Emoji Movie to be any good. But then again, everyone anticipated that The Lego Movie would be a shameless cash-grab, and everything was awesome on that front. So will this new comedy about the ubiquitous little social media symbols have you shaking your fists at the studio execs who gave it the green light, or will it offer a sly commentary on the state of modern culture and how we’ve contributed to making emojis an unavoidable cultural brand?

Well, it’s the first option alright. And then some. Put simply, this reviewer is a dumber person for having been subjected to this corporate-mandated propaganda. It yearns to be a tech-savvy Inside Out but ends up as a product-peddling and soulless atrocity which has nothing but absolute contempt for its audience. Worryingly, there seems to be no end to Hollywood’s crippling dependency on brand movies: from further Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean films, to upcoming Playmobil, Tetris and Barbie releases, we’re in for the long haul. Therefore, it’s crucial now more than ever that parents drop some knowledge and teach their kids the difference between The Lego Movie and The Emoji Movie, so that we can cling onto some hope for future generations. As well as ensure that the two movies are never mentioned in the same sentence again. The former was an intelligently subversive and genuinely entertaining ode to creativity, falsely masquerading as product placement; this is a toxic monument to cynical consumerism, one which affirms that “emojis are the most important form of communication invented” and witlessly believes that piling on the defecation gags can somehow lead towards an empowering “just be yourself” message.

Sir Patrick Stewart (voice of the poop emoji), I hope that the pay cheque was worth it.

The Emoji Movie | Directed by Tony Leondis (US, 2017), with T.J. Miller, James Corden, Patrick Stewart. Starts August 3.

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