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Konrad Werner: Ossi fetish

Konrad has a confession to make. He, like everyone at EXB's blog department, gets unnaturally aroused by East German stuff.

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Photo by Sjaak Kempe (jack_of_hearts_398; Flickr CC)

Konrad has a confession to make. He, like everyone at EXB’s blog department, gets unnaturally aroused by East German stuff.

You won’t need it pointing out that we at the Exberliner Blog have a bit of an East Germany fetish. A commenter on my colleague Jake Sweetman’s blog on Wednesday called it an “obsession”, but that doesn’t really cover it. I’m afraid it’s actually a fetish. On Friday afternoons, I, Jake, Amok, and Seymour like to dress up in Pioneer uniforms and spank each other with any old Ostprodukte we can get our hands on. After we’ve all climaxed, we like to cool down over a round of Vita Colas. It’s really quite something.

And it’s no good imploring us, as that commenter did, to stop Easty-obsessing and get a “real job”. We’re Ausländers. There are no real jobs for us Ausländers in Berlin. It’s not like we’re going to “integrate” – it’s too hard and anyway we’re too sexually jaded. All we can really do is rap about the Berlin Wall, do foolish sketches about the Berlin Wall, or just have the occasional verbal wanks over statues of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels. Why do you think we moved here in the first place?

That’s the problem with countries whose history prominently features not one, but two authoritarian dictatorships in their history. They just attract perverts. But then again, one of the reasons why the GDR is so horny is that GDR people clearly had amazing sex. All the time. If you’ve ever seen Die Legende von Paul und Paula, you’ll know that the citizens of East Germany basically spent much of their time shagging inside industrial containers and having very detailed fantasies set in dachas. 

Ah, you’ll be saying, but that wasn’t real. You have made the elementary error of taking a fictional representation of a place and allowing it to dictate all your prejudices. Maybe you have a point, but then how do you explain the revelations published this week about Erich Honecker’s sex life? According to the West German secret service, he was a filthy bastard. So it’s well-documented fact. It’s a wonder he ever got round to anything.

Erich Honecker? Erich Hornecker more like.