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  • Konrad Werner: The worst war on terror ever


Konrad Werner: The worst war on terror ever

After the shock of Paris, it looked for about 10 seconds like the world was actually gonna fight ISIS. Ha! Fat chance. You might have forgotten that our leaders have important dick-swinging competitions to get on with.

Image for Konrad Werner: The worst war on terror ever
Photo by Staff Sgt. Shawn Nickel, U.S. Air Force (Public Domain)

ISIS must be wondering what they have to do. According to this complicated explainer article, the Islamic cult-militia thinks that the whole point of this carnage is to fulfil a Koranic prophecy about a great culminating battle with the armies of “Rome” near the town of Dabiq, Syria, which they’ve already captured and where they’re hanging up bunting made of hands or some shit. Thus, in the hope of drawing the Roman armies onto the battlefield, ISIS are doing all they can to poke all the different bears and hornets’ nests. A hundred people in Ankara, 220 people on a Russian plane from Egypt, 40 people in Lebanon, then 130 people in Paris – it’s all part of their plan.

And it’s working – all these countries’ leaders have shown signs that they’re VERY ANGRY with ISIS. The governments of the US, Turkey, Russia, France, Britain, and since yesterday, Germany, have flapped and squawked all about how this time, they’re definitely going to do something about this ISIS bollocks. No more dick-swinging contests. No way. This time they’re going to put aside their differences and unite for good against evil; they’re going to share “intelligence” (ha!). And after the shock of Paris, it seemed for about 10 seconds like they meant it.

And then they remembered – oh yeah, Syria. That endless grinding war that we didn’t do anything about when it started four years ago, that we didn’t do anything about when Assad fired chemical weapons at children in his own capital city (Obama drew a “red line” there), that we didn’t do anything about when it caused the biggest global refugee crisis since World War II. That Syria. That massive engine of human suffering. Or as we like to call it, the war where “national interests” have to be protected: Russia and Iran want to keep Assad in power, because otherwise they’ll feel surrounded by pro-US and/or Sunni people, but everyone else (but mainly the US and Turkey) wants to get rid of him so they feel stronger. So, a fortnight after Paris, where are we? Russia deliberately flies a plane close to or into Turkey (either way, even in Russia’s version, it was about 150 km from ISIS territory) just to test the weight of Turkey’s balls, and Turkey shoots it down. The memorial services in Paris hadn’t even started and we’re back international dick-swinging.

Sorry, Ankara/Bataclan/Sharm al-Sheikh plane victims, we might have briefly given you the impression that we gave a shit about our people, but frankly our war game, or “defending our national interests” as we like to call it, is much more important. Someone might think we have small penises, so we have to get them out.

Oh yeah, and sorry ISIS, our apocalypse is much bigger than yours. Take a number, get in line. So go ahead and plan your meaningless terrorist attacks. You really have no idea how little we care.