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Konrad Werner: Guttenberg, you bastard

Konrad is very angry with Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg. The ex-defence minister deliberately ruined his magazine column by deciding to implode his own career. But you'll pay, you oily bastard.

Image for Konrad Werner: Guttenberg, you bastard
Photo by Phillip Stewart (pmsyyz; Flickr CC)

The readers of Berlin’s favourite expat magazine might have been slightly bemused when they got the March issue (available now from all good media outlets). Having polished off Dr. Dot in one salacious gulp, they turned to their second favourite column – Konrad Werner’s devastating monthly investigative surgery on current German politics.

But what did they find this month? Some old, flaccid appraisal of a has-been – a hilarious but completely futile analysis of a former defence minister and his defunct hare-brained PR schemes. Against all the odds, something actually happened in German politics in the short period between deadline day and the magazine landing on your soft, warm laps. So I’m sorry.

Not only has the fake doctor trodden on the trust and faith of honest Germans everywhere, he’s also made me look a plonker. The man really does have much on his conscience this week.

I think there was a leak, personally. Somehow, the disgraced plagiarizing aristocrat got a sneak peek at my snarky column and decided to get his own back by committing career-icide on the very day that the EXBERLINER was available for sale. “That’ll teach that hairy oik,” he probably sniggered to himself after he wittered on before the cameras about taking “the most painful step of his life.” Yeah right – he was loving it.

Well, he might live to regret it, is all I can say. One day, I’ll definitely write something really acerbic about how he’s probably at home eating Honey Nut Loops in the living room and his wife has just had a go at him because the milk dripped down and made his pyjamas all milky, and she’s just bloody well washed them.