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Konrad Werner: Be reasonable, peasants

When that unruly teenager flings a banger into your U-Bahn tonight, or those little welfare urchins throw a Knaller at your head, why not stand up for yourself as a citizen and tell them this: "Tell your parents to spend that money on carrots."

The emergency services are bracing themselves for thousands of gun powder burns, facial blasts and behandings tonight, inflicted by the €100 million of fireworks that were bought and sold this week in Germany.

Cornelia Seibeld (36, CDU) und Björn Jotzo (35, FDP), two extremely bored politicians, have come up with the perfect solution to these hazards – stop unemployed people from buying fireworks.

“Unemployment benefit, which is paid by the state, should not be blown on rockets and bangers,” Seibeld told the BZ.

Despite sweating with sheer awe at her wisdom, Jotzo looked at his colleague and was determined not to be outdone. “It would be better to invest in a balanced diet, rather than fireworks,” the FDP-man said. Seibeld glanced over at him, slightly aroused. She wanted to jump in, but Jotzo was on a roll. “But some Hartz IV recipients pay a lot of money for fireworks, even though they should be more frugal,” he ejaculated. This man is destined for great things, Seibeld concluded. She knew she had been outclassed. For now.

The pair then commissioned a highly-skilled committee to look into quick, unbureaucratic ways a shopkeeper could find out whether a potential firework-buyer had a job. “Look at their trousers,” “Smell them,” “Test their horse-riding skills,” and “Check their pockets for live mice” were all considered and turned down.

Seibeld was forced to admit defeat. “Such a ban would be impossible to enforce,” she sighed. “It would make more sense if they declined to buy fireworks voluntarily.”

So, on behalf of the noble visionaries Seibeld and Jotzo, please, if you are unemployed, don’t buy fireworks. If you blow your hand off you won’t be able to fill in the forms anyway.

What do you say, peasants?