Konrad Werner: Hot ache

There is a trend running through modern rightwing politics – a deep vein of insidious intent. Get sexy women to condemn masturbation. It's genius. Somehow, the conservatives always manage to reach the deeper parts of the human psyche.

When I was a young boy, my parents never tied my wrists to the bed frame like they do in Das weiße Band. They didn’t need to, because I did it myself with the belt of a dressing gown. It helped me to masturbate somehow. Don’t ask me why – it’s better if the sexual life of my 9-year-old self remains forever in the psychological abyss where it belongs.

But I am older now, and those years have brought both pubic hair and more conventional sexual habits. If he were here today, my 9-year-old self would probably scoff at the mundane ways I choose to arouse myself. And that’s a good thing, too, because this week has been dedicated exclusively to Sexy Conservative Women Having A Go At Self-Abusers, care of the global right-wing conspiracy (kidding!).

First Stephanie zu Guttenberg – wife of the German defense minister – started her own campaign against the sexualization of culture. (She used the platform of the BILD to do this, of course, because conservative people have their irony glands removed shortly after birth in a ritual conducted by a posh vicar with a pair of tweezers. You probably didn’t know that.)

The effect was immediate. In one day, Guttenberg became the Bavarian First Lady of sexual fantasy, fusing guilt and lust in perfect unison.

And then there was Christine O’Donnell, the American Tea Party candidate who won the Delaware nomination. Almost immediately the video of her presidency of SALT (WMDW) – Saviours’ Alliance for Lifting the Truth (We Mean Don’t Wank) went viral, and I fell into a vortex that can only be illustrated by this.

For more on the subject of wanking (or rather, not wanking), check out Jacob Sweetman’s blog from yesterday, in which he relates sport to what one upstanding 19th-century gentleman called “this horrible thing done in secrecy”.