Berlin revels in erotic expression, but for those on the asexual spectrum, the assumption that everyone desires sex can feel suffocating. Asexual Berliners often find themselves having to explain, justify or even hide their identities just to navigate dating and relationships. Now, they’re speaking up and proving that love and connection don’t have to follow society’s typical scripts.
Asexuality, part of the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, describes orientations where asexual (colloquially “ace”) individuals experience little to no sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is an instinctive, specifically sexual pull towards others, separate from a personal desire for sex or the act itself. This means aces can have various romantic orientations, like ace heteroromantic or bi demisexual, without necessarily experiencing sexual attraction.
As long as there is love and respect and consent, relationships can take any form we want.
Many ace Berliners navigate a dating scene that assumes everyone is, or should be, sexually active. “Berlin’s dating scene is quite open regarding sex, enabling high visibility of sexually active queer people,” says asexual lesbian Aakriti Bhardwaj. “However, that means that anyone who doesn’t fit the mould, like asexuals or demisexuals, are seen as outcasts.” Pino Bonetti, who describes himself as “gay with ace tendencies”, finds dating in Berlin similar to other major cities: “It’s easy to find one-night stands, but finding something deeper can be more challenging.”
Online dating presents its own set of obstacles. “The ace online dating landscape has historically been difficult to navigate,” says Amy Summers, founder of the asexual dating platform AceSpace. “Traditional dating apps have typically not included asexual identity markers or filters, making it challenging to find relationships where sex isn’t a primary aspect.” Bonetti adds, “A handful of other apps I used don’t offer much more than a ‘select if you’re top or bottom’ option, which doesn’t exactly foster inclusivity.”
Even when asexuality is stated, responses can be exhausting. “I would specify in my bio that I was ace and yet people with whom I’d match would ask me about … casual sex or would constantly ask me to explain what being ace was,” says Monny Castellaneta, a bisexual ace. Some, like Marlena Angermann, avoid disclosing their asexuality upfront: “I don’t even have it on my dating profile. There’s just so much misinformation around it.” For others, race adds an additional layer of complexity. “I don’t use dating apps that much because … there are sexualised stereotypes about certain racialised groups,” says Julia Song, who is Asian, asexual and biromantic. “I don’t want to fall into that.”
Widespread misconceptions about asexuality fuel these struggles. Many assume aces are celibate or uninterested in relationships. “‘You never get horny’. ‘You never have a sex drive’. ‘You can’t even have sex if you want to,’” says Angermann, repeating comments she’s heard. Castellaneta emphasises that asexuality is a spectrum: “There are ace people who have sex and maybe enjoy it, and there are others who are sex repulsed and don’t want to even hear about it … As long as there is love and respect and consent, relationships can take any form we want.”
Bhardwaj notes another misconception: “No, someone’s lack of interest in sex isn’t always rooted in some traumatic incident.” Some even assume a link between asexuality and neurodivergence. Castellaneta explains that people assume that, “Just because I’m autistic, I’m naturally ace. This take is not simply false – as there is no induced correlation between the two – but incredibly ableist and offensive.”
Despite these challenges, ace Berliners are building community. One initiative is ACE+ Dating Night, hosted by Charming Theys, which brings alternative dating formats to Berlin’s queer scene. “I was questioning, ‘Have I ever seen in Berlin [a dating event] for asexual people?’ Then I started researching … and there’s not so much,” says momo, the demisexual founder. The first ACE+ Dating Night last November sold out quickly, confirming “there definitely is a need”.
Unlike traditional speed dating, attendees don’t move from chair to chair. Instead, momo uses “imaginary spectrum lines in the room to ask different questions … for example, ‘Do you still want physical touch or contact?’ Then people can match,” they explain. The second sold-out ACE+ Dating Night took place last month at Curly Bar. “It was really groundbreaking,” says Song, who attended the first edition. “It’s important for ace people to have a safe space in dating to try out if they like dating and which gender they prefer, without being sexualised.”
Berlin-based aces have also found community at the Aspec* Berlin bimonthly Stammtisch at Sonntags-Club or other events like Another Country Bookshop’s Queer Stories. But Castellaneta believes more representation is key: “Whether it is a dating app or a queer event or a media product, it would be vital to have space for ace folks.” Bonetti, who is married, urges people not to judge others’ relationships: “Everyone should be allowed to exist without their level of sexual activity being a topic of conversation.”
For aces dating in Berlin, Bhardwaj advises: “Be honest regarding who you are, and don’t compromise just for the sake of dating.” Angermann suggests a shift in perspective. “I talked to my therapist a lot about trying to reframe the narrative so that you’re not looking at yourself as lacking something,” she says. “I used to think a lot when going on dates that I’m wasting someone’s time … and she helped me try not to think about it like that.” Song adds: “Your needs are valid, and with such a big community of every possible sexuality and romantic orientation, there is hope for you in Berlin.”
Recommended Reading
- Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen
Find it at local queer bookshops She said and Eisenherz Buchladen.
Understanding Asexuality
- Asexual: Experiences little to no sexual attraction.
- Ace: Short for “asexual”; includes demisexual and gray-asexual identities.
- A-spec: Umbrella term covering people who are asexual, aromantic or both.
- Demisexual: Experiences sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond.
- Gray-asexual (Gray-ace): Experiences sexual attraction rarely or under specific circumstances.
- Allosexual: Anyone who experiences sexual attraction (not asexual).
- Aromantic: Experiences little to no romantic attraction.
- Sexual Attraction: Desire to engage in sexual activity with someone.
- Romantic Attraction: Desire for a romantic relationship with someone.
- Romantic Orientation: The gender(s) a person feels romantic attraction toward.
- Biromantic: Being romantically attracted to more than one gender.
- LGBTQIA: Stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning, Intersex and Asexual/Aromantic/Agender.
