“I think the Veggie Day is a pretty good idea,” I say to a German friend, Oliver.
“No!” he says. “Fuck you. It fucking isn’t.”
Oliver is one of my many German friends who insist on speaking to me in English (like rude cunts) and I literally kind of taught him to swear. I basically told him he would sound a lot more like an English native speaker if he just tried to add the words “fuck” or “fucking” to every sentence. So I can’t complain now if he’s taken my advice to heart, can I? But still. It is a bit disconcerting sometimes.
“No seriously,” I say. “Don’t you think it’s a good idea to eat less meat? Don’t you think you eat too much meat? I definitely eat too much meat. I eat a little bit of meat every day.”
“It’s not about the meat,” he growls disapprovingly.
“It isn’t?” I say.
“No,” he says. “It’s about the principle.”
“The principle of eating meat?” I ask.
“No,” he says. “The principle of fucking freedom!”
“Oh,” I say.
The thing is, though, it’s not really about the principle of fucking freedom, is it? The Veggie Day is just going to be a new rule whereby once a week in state-run canteens there won’t be any meat dishes served. State-run canteens only. Nothing to do with freedom. You want to be free, go to McDonald’s on your fucking lunch break like a fucking cowboy, for fuck’s sake.
It’s also not really about the principle of freedom because German people patently don’t give a shit about freedom. They don’t. They really don’t. They only give a shit about freedom when they think they might have to stop doing something vaguely enjoyable which they have always, up to now, been allowed to do – stuff like eating meat on a Monday or saying “Neger” to a nine-year-old. If it’s something they don’t find vaguely enjoyable, or they’ve not been allowed to do up to now, they literally could not give less of a shit. Cases in point:
1) Being allowed to name your child Fuck-Monster
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s a good idea. But in Britain and America, you are literally allowed to call your kid whatever the fuck you want. In fact, you’re allowed to call your kid Whatever-The-Fuck-You-Want, Fuck-Buddy, Table-Dancer, Hitler’s Moustache or Clit-Face. There’s been kids (recently) called Hashtag and there’s been kids (since forever) called Toilet and stuff. Now, I’m not saying this is a good thing. But why isn’t Oliver upset about the principle of fucking freedom here? I’ll tell you why. It’s coz he thinks the advantages – a child not being named Clit-Face all its fucking life – outweigh the disadvantages – not being totally free. I actually agree with the Krauts on this one, which I s’pose is a sign I am becoming steadily more German. However, I think they definitely take it too far, and I also think that silly rule where the names have to be obviously male or female is very old-fashioned, random, heteronormative (and I only learned that word last week) and also just generally actually an infringement on personal freedom. Plus it discriminates against Sikh people and people called Robin. Whatever – I don’t give that much of a shit about it. But neither does Oliver.
2) Home-schooling
Same thing here. Legal in the States and the UK, forbidden over here. Until recently, I always thought the Germans were right on this one, but I’ve made friends with a black woman who explained to me how “white” traditional schooling is, like, with history and stuff, and for the first time ever I was kind of, you know, hin-und-hergerissen. But whatever. One thing’s clear: banning it definitely isn’t freedom. And it’s another thing Oliver does not give a flying fuck about.
3) Being able to buy shit from the Apotheke.
You know what, girlfriend? I am not even talking about the morning-after pill and stuff. Just normal stuff. Oral thrush medication. Like, for FUCK’S sake. What the fuck? What the fuckety fuck? We all know it is much easier to swallow a pill than to insert a crumbly tablet into your vagina and I HAVE NO IDEA why the German medical authorities don’t think that women in Germany are sensible enough to self-medicate against thrush orally but one thing is for sure: it is not freedom. It has nothing to do with freedom. And Oliver? He literally could not give less of a shit. Well, I don’t think he knows about it. But if he did know, he still wouldn’t care.
4) The Kopftuchverbot
In Berlin schools, teachers aren’t allowed to wear headscarves coz it’s a religious symbol, okay? And Oliver doesn’t just not give a shit, he actively supports this policy.
Okay, first up: I think headscarves look bad. I do. Shoot me. Not all of them – I like it when they’re all flowery and turquoise and pressed down hard against your head like you got cancer. But you know those black, heavy ones people wear, all high around the forehead and that? I don’t like them. I think they’re an eyesore. I don’t like the way they look. Mind you, I also don’t like those circular earrings people wear nowadays where their skin gets all stretched out.
Also: I do think that headscarves are fairly sexist. I think they’re quite sexist. It’s like: our female hair (not mine, mind) is all sexy and irresistible and long and strong and that, like in Rapunzel, all beautiful and feminine and that. And then people go and cover their hair up. What Germans –actually, what the anti-headscarf-brigade in general – always say is that this is to stop men raping them. You know? It’s a bit rubbish, this claim. To be honest, because Muslim women themselves always claim, a bit more discreetly, that it’s just to dress modestly, as recommended in the Koran, and that’s fair enough really. Nobody ever claims a pair of dungarees or Doc Marten boots are specifically, like, “anti-rape-devices”. You know? I find that to be slightly double-standard, a bit patronizing, and probably racist.
But okay, let’s take it on face value. Muslim women wear headscarves so they won’t be raped. Okay. This is a bit sexist. You can’t be truly, truly, truly, TRULY emancipated and wear a headscarf. Okay, I agree. However, I also think you can’t be truly, truly, truly, TRULY emancipated and wear high-heels (a lot more dangerous for your health than a headscarf, by the way), change your name when you get married or even have children. You can, however, be more-or-less a feminist and do slightly sexist things in a sexist world. I reckon. Just about.
But the headscarf hasn’t been banned for teachers in Berlin because it oppresses women or looks unsightly. It’s been banned because it’s a religious symbol. This is the bit I don’t get, at all. I can just about understand what symbols are – the red man at the Ampel is a symbol saying stop, the swastika is a symbol of Nazism, miniature naked tortured Jesuses are a symbol of Christianity. My brain stretches that far, and I would ban Berlin teachers from wearing swastikas, probably. But how the fuck can a bit of cloth on my head be a symbol of a religion? How can it be a symbol of my religious affiliation? It doesn’t make sense. How can it be, like, headscarf = Islam? There are loads and loads and literally loads of Muslim girls and women who don’t wear headscarves. There are people from other religions who do. And the headscarf is just a thing I put on my head to hide my hair. It’s a cloth-based solution to a problem I have – not wanting to show my hair. I know Muslims see the headscarf as a religious symbol and get all het-up when Lady Gaga wears one for fun and stuff. But I don’t see how non-Muslims can. As far as we’re concerned, surely, the Koran just gives people a bit of advice for how to dress and some people interpret this to mean putting a headscarf on their heads. As far as we’re concerned, the Koran is basically an olden-days version of Brigitte magazine. Oder?
Whatever. In a free country, no matter how separate the church and the state are (the church and the state in Germany are about as separate as the Verfassungsschutz people are from the NSU, by the way) I would physically not be able to ban teachers from sticking a bit of cloth on their heads, just because I suspected them of doing it for “religious” reasons. I’m not speaking for or against a Kopftuchverbot (I’m dead against it, I think bans never works) but one thing’s for sure: people who accept a Kopftuchverbot are not even slightly, remotely, vaguely bothered about freedom.
And:
5) Okay, ways Germans are freer
Of course, there are thousands of ways Germans are freer than British or American people. Americans aren’t allowed to drink beer in a car! Germans are allowed to get naked at the lake! They can go as fast as they want on the Autobahn! The other day, I was on the radio at 4:45pm and I literally said the word “Fotze” nine times. Nine times. It was still light outside. In America they are never allowed to say fuck or cunt on the telly ever and in Britain you have to wait till nine o’clock and then after nine they have this really cute rule where you’re allowed to say cunt once an hour and the other cunts get bleeped out. Of course, some things are freer here. Of course. It’s just random, really.
But: the idea that Germany is a free country. This is a pile of crap. And the idea that German people give a shit about freedom. They don’t care about freedom. They care about freedom about as much as I do. The truth is, Germans are so pissed off about Veggie Day because they’re fat, greedy pigs who love eating meat. Don’t get me wrong, I love eating meat, too. I love bacon and chicken and beef and lamb, sausages and turkey and duck and EVERYTHING. But at least I don’t pretend to give a shit about freedom. So. There. That’s all I have to say on the matter. Oh, and: Fuck you, Oliver.
Like her blog? Catch Jacinta tonight, August 28 at 9pm when she reads at Surfpoeten at Mauersegler.
